Beyond outrage: Choosing understanding over anger to return civility to public life

Op/Ed by The Rev. Peter-Michael Preble

Disagreement once coexisted with community. People could debate politics or differ in worship yet still remain neighbors. Now, we are too quick to anger and judge, slow to listen, and prone to outrage instead of civility. It’s no longer about being right, but about defeating others.

The loss of civility is not simply about people being rude to one another. It is much deeper than that. It is about the erosion of our shared humanity. Civility is not weakness. It is not avoiding difficult conversations or pretending we all agree. Civility is the recognition that the person standing before us, even the one with whom we passionately disagree, is still worthy of dignity and respect.

We see the absence of civility everywhere today. Turn on cable news or scroll through social media for even a few moments, and it becomes painfully obvious. Public discourse has become a competition of insults. Political leaders mock one another openly. People hide behind screens

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and say things online they would never say face to face. Families stop speaking over elections. Friendships end over ideology. Even our churches, places that should model grace and reconciliation, are not immune from division and bitterness.

The COVID19 pandemic exposed many fractures. What could have inspired compassion instead became another battlefield. Masks, vaccines, and public safety quickly led to anger and suspicion. Many overlooked shared vulnerability, seeing only opponents. The same divisiveness shapes discussions on immigration, race, gender, war, and economics, as we equate disagreement with opposition.

But this path is unsustainable. No society can survive when contempt becomes its language. Democracy relies on disagreement without dehumanization, while communities, families, and churches depend on trust, patience, and grace. Without civility, all of these erode.

Restoring civility does not mean silencing conviction. Some of history’s most important voices were deeply challenging. The Civil Rights Movement, for example, confronted injustice with courage while leaders like Martin Luther King Jr. knew that only love could overcome hatred. One can maintain convictions and still treat others respectfully.

What we need today is not less passion, but more humility. We need to rediscover the sacred art of listening. Listening not simply to respond, but to understand. We need to relearn how to speak with one another instead of constantly speaking at one another. That begins in small and ordinary ways. It begins when we refuse to demonize someone because of a political sign in their yard. It begins when we teach our children that kindness is not weakness. It begins when faith communities choose reconciliation over division and healing over hostility.

There is also a spiritual dimension to this crisis. Every major faith tradition teaches some version of the same truth: that human beings belong to one another. In Christianity, we are reminded that every person bears the image of God. That truth alone should transform the way we speak to and about others. We cannot proclaim love of our neighbor while participating in the culture of contempt.

The good news is that civility can return. But it will not happen through legislation alone or through another election cycle. It happens person by person, conversation by conversation, choice by choice. It happens when ordinary people decide that anger will not have the final word. It happens when we choose empathy over mockery and understanding over suspicion.

Our world is desperately hungry for that kind of witness right now.

The challenge before us is not to win arguments, but to preserve our humanity in the process. Civility is vital to our soul as a society. If we choose compassion, respect, and mercy, we can find true healing. Let us commit today to rebuilding civility by listening before reacting, treating everyone with dignity, and modeling respect in every interaction. Challenge yourself and those around you to choose understanding over anger, one conversation at a time.

The future of our communities, our nation, and perhaps even our democracy depends on ordinary people choosing civility, compassion, and respect every day. Take the first step in your own life; your choices matter. The Rev. Peter- Michael Preble is the chaplain for the Hull Fire Department and a hospice chaplain with Croi Health ( formerly Norwell VNA). Follow him at www. peterpreble net.